Everyone seems to want to have great sex but few people report feeling like sex is still great after the flush of new love has worn off. New job, new baby, the bills, the boss…there’s always some stress in life that just seems to get in the way. Between Hollywood and Madison Avenue we’re all set up to feel inadequate—as if everyone else seems to have it great except moi. So we buy makeup and shapewear, new shoes, and cars and vacations chasing after the ghost—that elusive je ne sait quoi that is supposed to make life such a blast.
Think of an old fashioned padlock. In those old timey devices, there were three plates inside a casing. You inserted the key to line up the plates in order to unlock the padlock. Sex is like that, in a way. Only with sex the “plates” are: the head, the heart, and the junk. When the head is in the body and not wandering all over kingdom come, when the heart is connected, and the junk is basically working, then the lineup is poised to unlock.
The secret to great sex is in lining up these “plates” and each one of the “plates” is a connection.
First is your connection to yourself. You can’t have great sex if your head isn’t in your body, you just can’t. And learning to turn off your monkey brain and settle your mind into your body, now that is a feat that too many people struggle with and fail to attain. But when your mind is at ease and your focus is inside your body, now that’s the beginning of something beautiful.
Second is your connection to your partner. Some people claim that the connection to their partner gets in the way of intensity. They keep changing partners in search for the one, only to find themselves growing lonelier as the years march on. But in my professional experience listening to countless couples over the past three decades, I’ve found that the folks who consistently have really good sex are the folks who report feeling love for their partner and feeling secure in being loved. Truth is, there are lots of facsimiles and plenty of counterfeits, but there’s just no substitute for love. Over time, conflict avoidance, accumulated resentments, petty dishonesties, disappointments, frustrations can clog up any love connection. Getting professional help clearing the history can be a great way to reconnect.
Finally, there’s the junk. The mind and the heart connect to the junk. As the mind focuses, and the heart opens, the body begins to awaken. But age, illness, medications, alcohol and drugs all take their toll on mind and on body, so it’s often important to make sure that the mechanics and biochemistry of genital organs are in functioning order with a medical evaluation.
My approach to sex therapy is thus akin to the practice of a locksmith. First, I evaluate the connection to self, the connection to the partner, and make sure any medical referrals are made and followed through on. Although simple to describe, the practical reality is often both intricate and delicate.
Schedule an appointment today so we can discuss how you and your partner can apply these 3 keys in the right combination to unlock Great Sex in your relationship!